Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Comedy -- and show business -- is-- look: either I win, or you win. There's no truce! Same thing with television: I knew that [Seinfeld]-- I knew-- look: either you're gonna kill me, or I'm gonna kill you. And after nine years, I was still killin' that series, but that series would eventually have killed me.

Being a dad is-- y'know, it's a surfboard on a rainbow. You're gettin' all you can handle of life.

I don't separate the mind and the body, as a thing. If my body's tired, my mind's tired; if my mind's tired, my body's tired. [...] People say "Mind and body! Mind and body!", and that-- and I dismiss that separation completely.

The whole supermarket itself is designed to break down your sense of having any life outside the supermarket. It's like a casino: there's no clocks, no windows, no easily-accessible exits. You ever not buy anything in the supermarket and try to get out of there? It's impossible. There's no way out.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

Once I'm done with [a] bit, it either goes in the garbage or the accordion folder. Those are the only two destinations. And then it's in the air. It has to survive on its own. Bits are like turtles right after they hatch, running to the beach.

My friend Larry Miller used to come by the set all the time. And I said to him "Y'know, for the life of me, I can't figure out why this show isn't really popular." He [said] "Oh, don't worry! It will be." Y'know? And I said "Come on! We've been here four years!" [...] And he kept sayin' to me "It's gonna catch on!" [I was] thinking "'Catch on'?" Y'know? You don't suddenly catch on, y'know, after you've been on TV for four years! And-- but sure enough, he was right!

I'm very good at streamlining a series of activities so that everything gets done in the amount of time that I have. I am very good with the clock. Like if I have a lot of stuff to do and a limited amount of time, I'm very good at figuring it all out. I'm very efficient in everything that i do, I never waste time so that I have more time to waste.

Friends, family, school, they were just obstacles in the way of getting more books.

Most comedians do not relate to cars. I don't know why.

When I heard that they were going to do a sitcom with a secret agent who was funny, that it was going to be a comedy secret agent TV show, and it was going to be called "Get Smart," the back of my head blew off. So that was really my favorite show when I was a kid.

Men and women will never understand each other; we all know that. It's just not gonna happen; just forget it. I know I will not understand women. I know I will never be able to understand how a woman could take boiling hot wax, pour it on her upper thighs, rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

There was [an] incredible amount of luck -- good luck -- that I had, that made [Seinfeld] what it was. On the other hand, I could argue against that. I could say "I'm the one who said to Larry David: 'Y'know, when you and I talk, it's really funny. We should write something together'."

The Internet is the most brutal medium for attention span. The distance from your finger to that "off" -- or "stop" -- is-- it's-- you're holding it right there, while you're watching the thing!

On [Seinfeld], we were extremely meticulous in our scripting of every scene, every joke, every line. [...] When people came on that show, they were told by script supervisors "You don't change one comma", because that's-- the precision of joke-making generally requires that.