Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

The real motivation of being a comedian is if you really love the sound of a laugh.

"Nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. To me, there's no better way than a paperweight to express to someone, "I refused to put any thought into this at all.

How come every day there's exactly the right amount of news to fill the paper?

I think that comedy makes everyone feel weightless. The weight of whatever their troubles, or the weight of life, and in that moment, when you're laughing, it's like you're free of earth's gravity.

The best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best time to be sick is in a relationship.

But that’s what marriage is. It’s two people. That’s it. Trying to stay together, without saying the words “I hate you.” Which you are not allowed to say. Don’t say that. You can feel it. That’s okay. Just don’t let it come out. Say something else. Anything. Say, “Why is there never any Scotch tape in this god damn house?” “Scotch” is “I.” “Tape” is “hate.” “House” is “you.” But it’s better. It’s better to say, “You know, no normal human being leaves a bathroom floor that wet.

All life is about the company you keep. All enjoyment is about the company you keep. A gourmet meal with an asshole is a horrible meal. A hot dog with an interesting person is an amazing meal. - Chris Rock

I am completely obsessed. And the audience wants that; they pay for that. I don’t want to see someone who’s kind of into it. ... That’s what I care about. That’s all I care about. I don’t care what you do — I just want to see people and talk to people and be around people who are into it.

I believe we're all secretly happy we can't figure our relationships out. It keeps our minds working.

Grandpa, you mean when you were a kid, no dogs could vote?” “That’s right, Jimmy. They had no say in the world at all. They were just pets.” “Woww…

Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a void with great speed

Grape-Nuts is a mysterious product. You open the box, pour it in the bowl, no grapes, no nuts. What’s the story?

Gutter Ball You don’t think we’re horrible parents? You take a kid bowling now, they have these rails that come up out of the gutters. So when the stupid kid rolls the ball, it has to hit a pin. Has to. We eliminated the gutter ball. Nice preparation for life. I think the gutter ball is really the only life lesson a kid really needs to have. You either do the thing you’re doing right, or there’s a huge ka-klunk sound

The hospital is: Rest. Cleanliness. And if it doesn’t work out, they help you get to the next place. When you walk in the sign says “Hospital,” but it could also be: Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Well that's it, I give up. I really don't know what the women are thinking. I've talked with them. I've studied them. I've asked them to study me. And I have to admit I am still at aquare one.