Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

i chose not to run

I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings

Festivus for the Restivus!

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

I don't understand women at all.
Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.

You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.

I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don't even want it anymore.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You can't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.