Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

The thing I don't understand about the suicide person is the people who try to commit suicide, for some reason they don't die, and that's it. They stop trying. Why don't they just keep trying? What's changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact. it's worse, because now they've found out here's one more thing you stink at. And that's why these people don't succeed in life to begin with. They give up too easy.
I say, pills don't work? Try a rope. Car won't start in the garage? Get a tune-up. There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you've set for yourself.

There is no such thing as love for the whole family.

"The funniest part of that joke is, 'say what you will about Hitler'."

-to Ricky Gervais on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee

But the health clubs are a little too strict.
What's with the high level of security? The picture IDs, the security guards, the people signing in and out... What is this, NORAD? I mean the people that have a membership go twice a year, who's breaking in? And what if they catch the person, what then? They run. That's aerobic, makes it even worse.

"No, no. It's not your fault. 'Books, books, I need my books.' Have you re-read those books yet, by the way?"
- Jerry, "Seinfeld"

"Of course we all try and save time. Cutting corners, little short cuts. But no matter how much time you save, at the end of your life, there's no extra time saved up. You'll be going "what do you mean there's no time?

Nobody cares about someone like me, because they don't know the frustration that you feel when you have the solution, but you do not have the problem.

Sometimes I want to go back to the old flip phone. One of those old-people ones that they advertise on TV with the giant buttons like floor tiles.

we are all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf or skydiving. What matters is when the red light comes on.
Jerry Seinfeld to Michael Richards in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

We are all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf or skydiving. What matters is when the red light comes on.

- to Michael Richards in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.

I remember thinking, “Well, but I wouldn’t have to be that funny anyway. I would just have to be funny enough to buy a loaf of Wonder bread and a jar of Skippy peanut butter a week.” I could easily survive on that.

When you are driving, you're outside and inside, moving and completely still, all at the same time.
I think that's something.

Every other man is looking great saint after marriage.