Top 15 Nicole Hollander Quotes

(Cat in bed) The Shedd Aquarium in Chicago recently identified a new species of fish...virtually extinct in the wild, and they haven't even named it yet. I dreamt I ate it.

(Cat) In 1989, I resolve to develop a longer attention...

(Woman in bed) I dreamt that my HMO canceled my group insurance and I couldn't get an individual policy because I had a pre-existing condition, but they wouldn't tell me what it was.

(Sylvia FineLine greeting card) Before you showed us your financial statement, we felt poor...but after leaving your house, we felt so pumped we bought a second car!

(Mary Frances) ...look-alike wives for humiliating public appearances...The pseudo-wife's job is to look supportive, while the real spouse is at home throwing his stuff out the window.

(Woman on telephone) Yes of course if you were imprisoned in a foreign land by a right-wing junta and our government was unresponsive to your plight, I would organize demonstrations and move heaven and earth for your release, but I'm not going to pick you up at the airport.

(Sylvia) [This] sends the wrong message to the international community. It says we support the U.N. only when it serves our interests exclusively. [pause] Wait a minute! That is our message.

(Sylvia) Rita! Is Bush still president? (Rita) Ma, I didn't want to tell you...You seemed so happy.

(Television) We are aggressively striking the terrorists in Iraq, defeating them there so that we will not have to face them in our own country. (Sylvia) Oh, good. So once we get rid of those, there won't be any more.

(Television) Humor will never be the same. Sarcasm, irony, and cynicism will disappear. (Sylvia) Right. I'm having mine surgically removed. (Rita) Ma, cut it out!

(Sylvia at typewriter) I feel much lighter now that I've given up my civil liberties. I recommend it to everyone! (p. 94)

(Wicked witch hexing babies) Women of future generations will have undreamt of career opportunities. You two will use yours to despoil the environment.

(Sylvia) Rita, I want to have my cake and eat it too. (Rita) Sorry, Ma, it only works for Republicans. (p. 88)

(Sylvia) Rita! Did you hear that! Tax cuts benefit the rich! Oh, the shock! Quick, get my medication! (Rita) Plain, or with peanuts?

(The Woman Who Does Everything Better Than You) ...it's a worse shock to lose one of your five homes than it is to lose your only home. I'm sure psychologists will back me up on this.