Stephen Colbert Quotes

And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion — be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.

Live live to the fullest! Or else...you won't.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

As far as I can tell, a young-adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.

Words cannot describe all the things I have left to write

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life,
unfortunately, it won't date them either.

We decided that my character had a pre-show tradition, like a ritual, which was to sing the lyrics to "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick into the mirror. Because, more than anything else, as much as he says he's bringing the truth, he just wants to be liked.

Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in
one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies

By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday — no matter what happened Tuesday.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological
Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in
America — less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.