Stephen Colbert Quotes

We worked very hard to keep him from being a jerk by keeping in mind he's well intentioned. Just poorly informed. He wants to do the right thing but has none of the tools to achieve it. Because he has no curiosity, he doesn't like to read and he won't listen anybody, except the voices in his head.

If there's a better book than this, I haven't written it.

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up.

Of course, just because Jesus replaces the Old Testament doesn't mean that you should necessarily skip it. That would be like skipping Batman and Robin just because the story starts over in Batman Begins. The important thing to realize is that both the old and new stories are about an all-powerful being trying to rid the world of evildoers, only in the new one The Batman can eat pork.

I report, I decide.

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth, marriage or adoption. In other words, the U.S. Census Bureau is run by radical leftists. Why do you think there's a whole category for the unemployed?

The message of Christ isn't that you can't kill me. The message of Christ is you can kill me and that's not death.

In my experience, you will truly serve only what you love because service is love made visible. If you love your friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money and, if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself and you will have only yourself. So no winning. Instead, try to love others and serve others and hopefully find others that love and serve you in return.

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

In the Old South, biscuits and cornbread were markers of status. Biscuits needed folding and beating. That's for people with time on their hands or help in the house. Cornbread is mixed, poured, and cooked - so easy, so cheap, and so good. Man of the people that I am, I will take a fresh piece of cornbread over a biscuit any day.

The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

Any religion whose messiah’s name
isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of
a threat.