Stephen Colbert Quotes

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America — we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

If you don't give power to the words that people throw at you to hurt you, they don't hurt you anymore — and you actually have power over those people. … So, if you can, realize that the things that people say about you — they don't really matter — it's who you are. And the older you get, the more you'll understand that — because it gets better. And people get nicer too.

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.

After acting for so many years, do you know who you are anymore? Because actors are liars basically, you lie about who you are to an audience.

As far as I can tell, a young-adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.

America has faced hardships in the past but we have always mounted a comeback! We defeated the Nazis, we defeated the Native Americans, we defeated the environment, we even defeated the Metric System! Kilos? Sorry, that's drug talk. This is America! Where we eat fruit by the foot, not muesli by the meter.

"I would consider cowboy caviar one of our more balanced dinners, especially now that the kids are grown. Many's the night our dinner is a glass (or two) of white wine, a handful of cashews, and Anderson Cooper. Also, what is this "chips" business? I have, on more than one occasion, simply leaned over the sink and happily shoveled in the cowboy caviar with a spoon."

Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological
Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in
America — less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.

We decided that my character had a pre-show tradition, like a ritual, which was to sing the lyrics to "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick into the mirror. Because, more than anything else, as much as he says he's bringing the truth, he just wants to be liked.

Olympics are a warped, watered-down version of the only worthy contest between nations: war,

Words cannot describe all the things I have left to write