The Kids in the Hall Quotes

Dave Foley: Well, fine, if you want to quit, you can, but I can't! You see, I didn't ask to be a prophet. Nope, you see one day I just heard a voice say, "Hey, Ted! Ted! No, over here, Ted!" And I turned and I saw the very bright lights. And I said, "Hi," and God said. "Hi," and I said, "So you're God huh?" and God said, "Yup, how you doin', Ted?" and I said, "Okay, how 'bout you lord?" "Pretty good what's new Ted?" I said, "Oh, nothing much, what's new with you?" And he said, "Well, you know, same old, same old. Well I guess I'd better be running along, you must be busy." And I said, "No, God, I'm not doing anything." And God said, "Well, I better be running anyway." and I said, "Wait, God, is there anything you'd like me to tell the people?" And God said unto me, "Just tell 'em I said, 'Hi.'"

Chris: Cat on my head!

Raymond Hurdicure (Dave Foley): Sorry we're late Ma, but you know how the kids hate old people.

Jesus (Scott Thompson): Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do, for they walk through this life in toe-crampity shoes. (http://www.kithfan.org/work/transcripts/one/drseuss.html)

Bruce McCulloch: Now I'm more confused than a horny bisexual at an orgy!

Don: You know, those words hurt. But you must realize they come from a man who's gone mad with depression. Unfortunately, it seems to happen to some of our greatest geniuses. People like Oppenheimer, Schweitzer, Boxcar Willie...

Darill: (to date) You look alarmed! Is it because you find something alarming?

Cab driver: When I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song. It went like this: Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over.

German Patient: The nipples of Mother Hope have run dry.

Wally: Tell me, doc... why do those... types, think I'm one of them?
Therapist: Because... you are one of them. You are gay. You-you-you are gay, you are a homosexual. The opposite of straight, you're gay. I know it, your family knows it. Dogs know it! Everybody knows it but you!

Sir Simon Milligan (Kevin McDonald): Now, for those of you with a brave heart and for those of you who have stayed, look into my face and know, to look into my face is to look into the face..of EVIL!

Dave Foley: I once shot a man just to watch him die, then I got distracted and missed it. Oh my friends tried to describe it to me, but it just isn't the same.

"Daddy" (Dave Foley): All right now, son, I want you to get a good night's rest. And remember, I could murder you while you sleep. It's easy, son, all you have to do is be quiet and willing to do it. And son, I am willing to do it. And, I've got quiet shoes. Good night, son. Sleep well.

Grivo: I wanna talk about drugs.
Audience: Heroin?
Grivo: No. Not heroin.
Audience: Speed?
Grivo: No. Not speed.
Audience: Hashish?
Grivo: No, not even hashish.
Audience: (beat) Horse tranquilizers?
Grivo: No. Not horse tranquilizers. I just heard about a drug that makes you happy. I just want to say... (looks at the crowd) ...fuck happy!

Scientist: It was only a couple of Flipper babies!