Tom Lehrer Quotes

Step up and shake the hand Of someone you can't stand, You can tolerate him if you try!

Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics And the Catholics hate the Protestants, And the Hindus hate the Moslems, And everybody hates the Jews.

Oh, the white folks hate the black folks, And the black folks hate the white folks; To hate all but the right folks Is an old established rule.

During National Brotherhood Week various special events are arranged to drive home the message of brotherhood — this year, for example, on the first day of the week, Malcolm X was killed, which gives you an idea of how effective the whole thing is. I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another, and I know there are people in the world who do not love their fellow human beings — and I hate people like that!

When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide,
But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide.
My pulse will be quickenin',
With each drop of strych-a-nine, We feed to a pigeon
it just takes a smidgen
To poison a pigeon in the park.

But don't panic. Base eight is just like base ten really — if you're missing two fingers.

So be sweet and kind to mother Now and then, have a chat! Buy her candy or some flowers or a brand-new hat But maybe you best let it go at that! Or you may find yourself with a quite complex ...Com-plex! ...and... You may end up like Oedipus I'd rather marry a duck-billed platypus! Than end up like poor Oedipus Rex!

I recall this sergeant's informing me and my "room-mates" of this rather deplorable fact the army didn't have any official, excuse me, didn't have no official song and suggested that we work on this in our copious free time.

Any ideas expressed on this record should not be taken as representing Mr. Lehrer's true convictions, for indeed he has none. "If anyone objects to any statement I make," he has said, "I am quite prepared not only to retract it, but also to deny under oath that I ever made it."

Life is a piano what you get out of it depends on how you play it

It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year.

If the hoods don't get you, the monoxide will.

A few years ago, a motion picture version appeared of Sophocles' immortal tragedy "Oedipus Rex". This picture played only in the so-called art theaters, and it was not a financial success. And I maintain that the reason it was not a financial success... you're way ahead of me... was that it did not have a title tune which the people could hum, and which would make them actually eager to attend this particular...flick. So, I've attempted to supply this, and here then is the prospective title song from "Oedipus Rex".

Get in line in that processional, Step into that small confessional. There the guy who's got religion'll Tell you if your sin's original. If it is, try playin' it safer, Drink the wine and chew the wafer, Two, four, six, eight, Time to transubstantiate!

The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines.