Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his… - Jarod Kintz

I’ll wipe a booger on your wall, not only to say I was here, but also to say thanks for having me over.

I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?

They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps.