I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at it, I also like sugar in my coffee. - Jarod Kintz

I used to be a bumper sticker kind of writer. Now I’m more developed, and my writing often takes up whole bumpers.

I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face.

If I were a magician, I’d hand out broken compasses. It’s all about misdirection.