I want to create a cologne that smells like a whisper. It’ll be for all the secret admirers out there. - Jarod Kintz

He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, I took him to a party.

It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like winners.

The love of my life has made me the happiest man ever. This ever-smiling man/mannequin is so happy because he’s got no brain, and in this way is identical to anyone who still rah-rahs for either a Republican or a Democrat.