[about public transport] It's unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minute… - Michael McIntyre

[On paying the toll at the Severn Bridge] It's worth £5.40 to have that moment where you stop, then you come through and there are no lanes! It takes a very strange sort of man who doesn't go: 'The race is on! Come on, woohoo! First one to the lanes!! Order, order, back in order OK but I had fun while it lasted.

[imitates a terrorist] "We must penetrate the west at their most vulnerable spot: Glasgow Airport!" [shakes head] I think the lesson was learned: don't... fuck... with Scottish people... who have a holiday booked, okay? [imitates Scottish tourist] "I'll get the trolley. You get the bags and stuff. We'll get the rest of the stuff at duty-free. You got our tickets and the passports? What gate are we? Twenty... two. Hold on while I punch this burning man in the face. Fuck off! Bastard! Majorca, here we come! Ten days, I couldn't afford two weeks! Hang on while I just get a light off his face! Hold still, you Al-Qaeda bastard! Where you from?" "Afghan.." "Whereabouts?"

My son's got two words: "car" and "map", that's all he can say. [baby voice] "Car, car, map, car!" [normal voice] I'm fairly worried he's trying to escape. So if the next word is "passport," we're in serious trouble.