I’d like to file a missing person’s report — on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now. - Jarod Kintz

I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?

I once saw the world’s ugliest baby drown. But then I realized, “That’s not a baby, that’s a log. And it’s not drowning, it’s burning.” I wonder what it did to deserve that? It was probably a heretic.

The going rate for love is going away. And the more you go away, the more expensive it gets.