I love mankind. And by mankind I mean women. - Jarod Kintz

The girl I used to love is no longer a girl, and this saddens me more than our separation. It puts my own mortality vividly on display, in contrast to my eternally youthful memories.

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.