I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears. - Jarod Kintz

I loved her like elephants like remembering stuff. Those bastards just won’t let me forget and move on.

I once saw a politician walking a dog, and I thought, “How absurd — an animal walking an animal.” Then I thought, “If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.

I’m reminded of Orville Tethington, inventor of the world’s first steam-powered fog machine. He’s also the guy who, after the Germans invented the flame thrower in WWI, decided to counteract it with his own creation, the candle thrower. The candle thrower was only battle tested once, and after fifteen minutes the war zone was littered with lit candles. Upon returning home after the war, some of the soldiers suffered such extreme and bizarre cases of PTSD that anytime a civilian lit a match or used their lighter, the soldiers would hit the ground and start singing “Happy Birthday.