On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me. - Jarod Kintz

I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.

I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.

There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn’t hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I’ll bet it was pretty funny.