Some people grow vegetables by day, but I grow shadows by night. Right now my only customer is the US government, but the profit is unbelievable. - Jarod Kintz

I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.

She said she was a nurse. I replied that she must have a lot of patience — and patients. I would have said more, but I ran out of homophones.

Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.