If a person who constantly reads is labeled a bookworm, then I was quickly becoming what might be called a tapeworm. - David Sedaris

Use the word “y’all,” and before you knew it, you’d find yourself in a haystack French-kissing an underage goat. Along with grits and hush puppies, the abbreviated form of you all was a dangerous step on an insidious path leading straight to the doors of the Baptist church.

but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.

I felt betrayed, the way you do when you discover that your cat has a secret secondary life and is being fed by neighbors who call him something stupid like Calypso.