I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I have learning disabilities. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.… - Ron White

You ever take a crap so big, your pants fit better? Anybody ever do that? You ever...I'm hoping that happens to me later tonight, 'cause these babies don't fit anymore. I'm hoping I'm one big turd away from backing into an old wardrobe.

The next time you have a thought...let it go.

I'm gonna try telling you this story. This happened on Tuesday. I'm going home from PetSmart in the car with two dogs and the wife, and the wife says, "I need to stop at the bank," and I say, "Shit" or whatever the hell I say because I don't go to the bank. Everybody knows that; I stay in the car with the dogs. My wife said, "I'll be, you know, 5 minutes," but there's absolutely no such thing as 5 minutes with this woman. So, she goes in. And I know my dogs need to pee, and at our bank, there's one piece of manicured lawn that has two signs that both say No Dogs...so I take my dogs over there. This guy comes waddling out of the bank with a big scowl on his face and he says, "The sign says 'no dogs'!" I said, "Well, the sign's wrong. The sign should say, 'two dogs'."