[when the bank calls:] "Chase Bank, I'm self-employed, how long do you want to stay on the phone?" - Maria Bamford

Time flies when you are anxious!

[impersonating her mother] Now, Maria, if a boy doesn't like you, I would just like you to know that he is intimidated by your beauty, because you are the most beautiful girl in the whole world and if you would stop doing impersonations of me I think other people would see that...

I love my country, but maybe that's because I'm white and rich. I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit, that I refuse to share with others.