I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it. - W. C. Fields

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake.

"Fields: " I'm tendin' bar one time down the lower east-side in New York. A tough paloma comes in there by the name of Chicago Molly. I cautioned her: 'none of your peccadilloes in here'. There was some hot lunch on the bar comprising succotach, philadelphia cream cheese and asparagus with mayonaisse. She dips her mitt down into this melange - I'm yawning at the time - and she hits me right in the mug with it. I jumps over the bar and knocks her down...You were there the night I knocked Chicago Molly down weren't you?"
Bartender: " You knocked her down? I was the one that knocked her down".
Fields: "Oh yeah ,yes. That's right. He knocked her down. But I was the one start kicking her! So I starts kicking her in the midriff. D'you ever kick a woman in the midriff that had a pair of corsets on?"
Customer: "No, I just can't recall any such incident".
Fields: "Well I almost broke my great toe. Never had such a painful experience".
Customer: "Did she ever come back?"
Bartender:"I'll say she came back. She came back a week later and beat the both of us up".
Fields: "Yeah but she had another woman with her. Elderly lady with grey hair.