No matter how much water a sink takes on, it never lives up to its name. The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink. - Jarod Kintz

I practice karate moves when I think nobody is watching. It’s all part of being a real American badass, I guess. Chicks dig it. I mean they would, if they ever looked and caught me in a moment of awesomeness.

I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible.

When you’re embarrassed, you turn red. When I blush, I turn plaid. I network at kilt conventions, so even if I say something awkward I still look cool.