People get the wrong idea about me, they think I'm depressed or something - I'm not depressed. I don't wish that I was dead, I wish... that you were … - Frankie Boyle

Dear points of view, watching "Queer eye for the straight guy" made me think that if I made gay friends, they'd give me fashion tips. Actually, they fucked me.

I wish the Queen had died the night before the Royal Jubilee – I wish she’d just fucking died. But they wouldn’t have been able to tell us that she’d died. They would have had to hollow out her body and get that guy who plays Gollum to wear it.

Do you know, there's now hotels for the super rich that are so exclusive that when you phone down and ask for an extra pillow, that's actually a code word. That's actually a code word for a prostitute. Imagine that, you phone down for an extra pillow, and a prostitute turns up. Now you have two prostitutes. And only one pillow to smother them with.