Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’re a member of Congress. - Jarod Kintz

I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber gloves at home. Unless you enjoy networking in public restrooms.

America’s been ruined by one word: Bankers. No, two words: Bankers and lawyers. Make that three words. Add politicians to that list. Oh, and don’t forget the lobbyists.

I talked to him on Christmas, and again on March 5th. Neither one of us hung up the phone that whole time.