Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge. - Jarod Kintz

The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.

Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because I pray to God He’ll deliver pestilence and plague to the residents next door. I even tell God the exact address, as if He can’t read my heart. But it’s not for His benefit, it’s for my neighbors’.

Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup.