I'm sick of following my dream, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going then hook up with 'em later - Mitch Hedberg

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.

I will not make you a pastrami, banana bread, cottage cheese sandwich! That would severely ruin my reputation.

You can't please all the people all the time. And yesterday, all those people were at my show.