Love is 3:33 am plus 360 degrees plus 365 days, minus 12:34 pm. I ought to know, because I weighed it myself. - Jarod Kintz

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?

Cupid, that chubby cherub love dispenser, is dead. But before he died, he appointed me his apprentice in love.

I loved Cupid, and that was precisely why I killed him. I strangled him. Then I shot him 17 times with his heart-shaped arrows.

Then I burned his body while I roasted and toasted marshmallows and toasted to the good times he brought to the world.

Then I took his ashes and mixed them in cake batter and literally consumed him.

Mark it down: I have officially taken over as the foremost authority on love.

I can't fly around like he could, but I have other endearing qualities. I can’t think of any at the moment, but I must have some.

I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them.