I wanted a divorce, so I bought myself a house, to give me the incentive to stay married. - Jarod Kintz

It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of time.

"If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast."

Sometimes we can’t see what’s right in front of us, because it’s behind us, and we’re looking in a mirror.