I dislike the Founding Fathers immensely. - John Mulaney

I'm one of the worst drivers I have ever seen, and I just want you all to know that, if you're ever on the highway behind me, I hear you honking, and I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing.

I loved being a temp, because I would just go from office to office and be terrible at a different job for a week.

I know now that I'm definetely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.