I didn’t fire my gun. I gave it a promotion. - Jarod Kintz

"I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?" It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line."

I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless.

I want my words to illuminate like the sun, as I give my daily lecture on photosynthesis to my houseplants.