When recovering Nice Guys decide they will no longer settle for anything less than good sex, they begin to take responsibility for doing something different. •​They let go of the concept of being a great lover. •​They practice being clear and direct. •​They choose available partners. •​They don't settle for scraps. •​They decide that bad sex is not better than no sex!

Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority. These men often feel that it is selfish to put their needs first. They believe it is a virtue to put the needs of others ahead of their own. Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center. Many Nice Guys report that they are only happy if their partner is happy. Therefore, they will often focus tremendous energy on their intimate relationships.

Interestingly enough, when Nice Guys take responsibility for their own needs and make them a priority, those around them benefit too. Gone are the covert contracts, the guessing games, the anger outbursts, and passive-aggressive behavior. Gone are the manipulation, the controlling behavior, and the resentment. I learned this lesson first-hand a few years back.

Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome is dependent on revealing one's self and receiving support from safe people. It is essential, therefore, that men who want to break free from the Nice Guy Syndrome find safe people to assist them in this process.

Self-respect, courage, and integrity look good on a man. As recovering Nice Guys chart their own

A Distorted Self-Image Prevents
Nice Guys From Getting the Life They Want Because their needs were not met in a timely, judicious fashion in childhood, Nice Guys developed a distorted view of themselves. With a naive, immature logic they came to the conclusion that if their needs were not important, neither were they. This is the basis of their toxic shame. At their core, all Nice Guys believe they are not important or good enough. If a Nice Guy was called on to take care of a critical, needy, or dependent parent, he received a double dose of toxic shame. A child believes he should be able to please a critical parent, fix the problems of a depressed parent, and meet the needs of a smothering parent. Unfortunately, he can’t. As a result of their inability to fix, please, or take care of one or more parents, many Nice Guys developed a deep-seated sense of inadequacy.

Beneath this facade of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they go about trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys are frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling.

Personal power is the result of feeling fear, but not giving in to the fear. There is a solution to the helplessness and vulnerability Nice Guys feel. Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome allows Nice Guys to embrace the personal power that is their birthright. Reclaiming personal power includes: •​Surrendering. •​Dwelling in reality. •​Expressing feelings. •​Facing fears. •​Developing integrity. •​Setting boundaries.

Nice Guys are wimps. This may not sound like a nice thing to say, but it's true. Nice Guys tend to be wimpy victims because their life paradigm and childhood survival mechanisms require them to sacrifice their personal power.

I have found Nice Guys to be prone to hidden, compulsive sexual behavior. I have developed a theory that states, the nicer the guy, the darker the sexual secrets. I find this to be consistently true. Sex is a basic human drive. Because most Nice Guys believe they are bad for being sexual, or believe that other people will think they are bad, sexual impulses have to be kept hidden from view.

"Surrender allows recovering Nice Guys to see each life experience as a "gift" from the universe to stimulate growth, healing and learning. Instead of asking, "Why is this happening to me?" the recovering Nice Guy can respond to life's challenges by pondering, "What do I need to learn from this situation?

By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no one — including themselves. Seeking

Nice Guys are terrified of two kinds of feelings — their own and everyone else's. Any kind of intensity causes Nice Guys to feel out of control.

Most guys who define themselves as "too nice" only behave nicely because they want everybody to like them and don’t want anyone to think badly of them. Don’t mistake being fearful and weak-minded for being nice.