Bo Burnham Quotes

I must be psychotic / I must be demented
To think that I'm worthy of all this attention
Of all of this money you worked really hard for
I slept in late while you worked at the drug store
My drug's attention / I am an addict
But I get paid to indulge in my habit
It's all an illusion / I'm wearing makeup
I'm wearing makeup, makeup, makeup

The average person has one Fallopian tube. [pause for laughter] The average penis length is 5.5 inches, and finally, the average penis length of a man who googles "average penis length" is 3.5 inches.

We know, Lord, from John 3:16, that you so loved the world that you sent your only son to die for us. Your only son! But at the same time, we're all your children, so in your eyes, we're a bunch of girls. So help us as we struggle with the temptations of lesbianism. Amen.

You shouldn't abstain from rape just 'cause you think that I want you to/ You shouldn't rape cause rape is a fucked up thing to do

If every day you play the board game Risk
You've probably never taken a risk
In your life / And Monopoly has far
From a stranglehold on the board game market
A little kid died from suffocation
When he choked on a game piece from Operation

'Cause I'm Bo, yo / I'm the greatest rapper ever
And I'll weather your weather whether you think I'm clever or not
Think you're better, you're not / Don't need a sweater, I'm hot
I'm a real G, shorty, that can really find your G-spot

My whole family thinks I'm gay
I guess it's always been that way
Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk
Makes them think I like... boys

Sluts! Sluts! I fuck sluts! Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts! No ifs, ands, and/or butts, I fuck sluts! I fuck sluts! Nice girls are nice, but no good for nut-sucking! They'll need a serene night to green light a butt-fucking, but that'll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking! Boo to the nice girls, praise he to slut fucking! I have a list. A list? Yes a list of all the sluts I've missed. I have not fucked or sucked these sluts and thus my nuts are fucking pissed! So when I fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list; another dumb cum bucket struck from my nut-sucking, suck-it-slut, slut fucking bucket list. (aside to the audience, "Yes! You hear the influences. Chaucer, Keats!) Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond! They can be skinny with big tits or skinny with small ones! Sluts can be perky or preppy or posh with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash! But some sluts are pretty and funny and smart...these sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart. They can talk about science or music or art. They can put you together, or they can pull you apart. But don't trust these sluts. Don't...don't you dare. They'll force you to trust them and love them and care! And then they'll be gone and you'll be aware of the hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there.

The simple narrative taught in every history class Is demonstrably false and pedagogically classist Don't you know the world is built with blood?
And genocide and exploitation
The global network of capital essentially functions
To separate the worker from the means of production
And the FBI killed Martin Luther King
Private property's inherently theft
And neoliberal fascists are destroying the left
And every politician, every cop on the street
Protects the interests of the pedophilic corporate elite

High school party, senior year
Boys and girls are all sippin' on beer
I like soda / Where's the soda?
Am I the only fuckin' person here that likes soda?

We [artists] ask questions! [...] Questions like "Where are all the Sour Patch Parents?" Questions like "If Mickey's a mouse, and Minnie's a mouse, and Donald's a duck, and Daisy and Goofy-- if they're all animals and they can talk, why is Pluto just a fuckin' dog? Did they just forget to anthropomorphize him, or worse, is Mickey keeping a mentally-handicapped dude as a pet?

What's a pirate minus the ship? / Just a creative homeless guy
And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? / An ironic way to die
And what's domain domain range? / A kid with too much in his pants
And two balls minus one? / Seven titles at the Tour de France

Hey, what can you say?
We were overdue
But it'll be over soon

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

'Cause girls are like donuts when I be bustin' Bo nuts
I can make 'em cream-filled or give them a layer of glaze
I'm like Doug's friend Skeeter whenever I meet her
Because I skeet her so hard people call her Patty Mayonnaise