Bo Burnham Quotes

If every day you play the board game Risk
You've probably never taken a risk
In your life / And Monopoly has far
From a stranglehold on the board game market
A little kid died from suffocation
When he choked on a game piece from Operation

Could I interest you in everything?
All of the time?
A little bit of everything
All of the time
Apathy's a tragedy
And boredom is a crime
Anything and everything
All of the time

Hey, what can you say?
We were overdue
But it'll be over soon

The simple narrative taught in every history class Is demonstrably false and pedagogically classist Don't you know the world is built with blood?
And genocide and exploitation
The global network of capital essentially functions
To separate the worker from the means of production
And the FBI killed Martin Luther King
Private property's inherently theft
And neoliberal fascists are destroying the left
And every politician, every cop on the street
Protects the interests of the pedophilic corporate elite

Sluts! Sluts! I fuck sluts! Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts! No ifs, ands, and/or butts, I fuck sluts! I fuck sluts! Nice girls are nice, but no good for nut-sucking! They'll need a serene night to green light a butt-fucking, but that'll be easy with sleazy old slut fucking! Boo to the nice girls, praise he to slut fucking! I have a list. A list? Yes a list of all the sluts I've missed. I have not fucked or sucked these sluts and thus my nuts are fucking pissed! So when I fuck the lucky slut my nut removes her from the list; another dumb cum bucket struck from my nut-sucking, suck-it-slut, slut fucking bucket list. (aside to the audience, "Yes! You hear the influences. Chaucer, Keats!) Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond! They can be skinny with big tits or skinny with small ones! Sluts can be perky or preppy or posh with their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash! But some sluts are pretty and funny and smart...these sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart. They can talk about science or music or art. They can put you together, or they can pull you apart. But don't trust these sluts. Don't...don't you dare. They'll force you to trust them and love them and care! And then they'll be gone and you'll be aware of the hole in your heart that that dumb slut left there.

So I've been freaking out for a long time, thinking that I'm never gonna finish this special and I'm gonna be working on it forever. And recently, I've been feeling like, oh man, maybe I am getting close to done with this. Maybe I'm gonna finish it after all. And that has made me completely freak out because if I finish this special, that means I have to not work on it anymore, and that means I have to just live my life, and so I'm not gonna do that, and I'm gonna not finish this special. I'm gonna work on it forever, I think, and I'm never gonna release it. So I'm not talking to anybody right now, I'm just talking to myself. So yeah, who fucking cares? Fuck you, and goodbye, and let's keep going.

We [artists] ask questions! [...] Questions like "Where are all the Sour Patch Parents?" Questions like "If Mickey's a mouse, and Minnie's a mouse, and Donald's a duck, and Daisy and Goofy-- if they're all animals and they can talk, why is Pluto just a fuckin' dog? Did they just forget to anthropomorphize him, or worse, is Mickey keeping a mentally-handicapped dude as a pet?

This next song is about how sad I am. It's about all the sad stuff; just picture a depressed onion cutting itself.

Walkin' my poodles, man, it never gets old
With my dogs on the leash, I got bitches on the hold
A first-AIDS kit? That's a rhesus monkey I bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie

Look at all of Bo's hos, lookin' for a ride on Bo's hose
And I spot a little Latino, booty so big, call it "Oprah's ego"
We go to it, through it / She says "¡Dios mia, mi amigo!"
Pull it out, stick it in your mouth, and I bust in the back of ya
"Swallow bitch! There's people starvin' in Africa!"

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? ... Names!

I must be psychotic / I must be demented
To think that I'm worthy of all this attention
Of all of this money you worked really hard for
I slept in late while you worked at the drug store
My drug's attention / I am an addict
But I get paid to indulge in my habit
It's all an illusion / I'm wearing makeup
I'm wearing makeup, makeup, makeup

I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, [...] I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance.

So, um... I've been working on this special now for six months. And the whole time I've had a... a goal in mind, which is I wanted to finish this thing before I turned 30. Um, because the idea of turning 30, while still in this fucking room, working on this thing alone, um, that just seemed... I just... I just wanted to avoid that. And you might be thinking, "Well, that's fine. You know, look at you, You radiate such youth, You must not be turning 30 for years." And that's very, uh, nice of you to say. But the truth is um, I turn 30 in less than a minute. So I'm just gonna sit here and enjoy my twenties, and then get back to work. Yay.

The average person has one Fallopian tube. [pause for laughter] The average penis length is 5.5 inches, and finally, the average penis length of a man who googles "average penis length" is 3.5 inches.