Bo Burnham Quotes

So I've been freaking out for a long time, thinking that I'm never gonna finish this special and I'm gonna be working on it forever. And recently, I've been feeling like, oh man, maybe I am getting close to done with this. Maybe I'm gonna finish it after all. And that has made me completely freak out because if I finish this special, that means I have to not work on it anymore, and that means I have to just live my life, and so I'm not gonna do that, and I'm gonna not finish this special. I'm gonna work on it forever, I think, and I'm never gonna release it. So I'm not talking to anybody right now, I'm just talking to myself. So yeah, who fucking cares? Fuck you, and goodbye, and let's keep going.

High school party, senior year
Boys and girls are all sippin' on beer
I like soda / Where's the soda?
Am I the only fuckin' person here that likes soda?

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? ... Names!

'Cause girls are like donuts when I be bustin' Bo nuts
I can make 'em cream-filled or give them a layer of glaze
I'm like Doug's friend Skeeter whenever I meet her
Because I skeet her so hard people call her Patty Mayonnaise

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

Could I interest you in everything?
All of the time?
A little bit of everything
All of the time
Apathy's a tragedy
And boredom is a crime
Anything and everything
All of the time

Look at all of Bo's hos, lookin' for a ride on Bo's hose
And I spot a little Latino, booty so big, call it "Oprah's ego"
We go to it, through it / She says "¡Dios mia, mi amigo!"
Pull it out, stick it in your mouth, and I bust in the back of ya
"Swallow bitch! There's people starvin' in Africa!"

I must be psychotic / I must be demented
To think that I'm worthy of all this attention
Of all of this money you worked really hard for
I slept in late while you worked at the drug store
My drug's attention / I am an addict
But I get paid to indulge in my habit
It's all an illusion / I'm wearing makeup
I'm wearing makeup, makeup, makeup

You shouldn't abstain from rape just 'cause you think that I want you to/ You shouldn't rape cause rape is a fucked up thing to do

'Cause I'm Bo, yo / I'm the greatest rapper ever
And I'll weather your weather whether you think I'm clever or not
Think you're better, you're not / Don't need a sweater, I'm hot
I'm a real G, shorty, that can really find your G-spot

We the people of the USA / José, we're not talkin' to you, ese
We got a border in order to keep you out / It's what my NYU essay's about
Cause we're xenophobic warrior princess / Molested by my Uncle Sam, is that incest?
"I Want You... to smell my finger! Does my nephew's scent still linger?"

You wanna hear a funny story? So uh... five years ago- I quit performing live comedy. Because I was beginning to have uh severe panic attacks while on stage. Which is not a great place to have them. So I-I quit... and I didn't perform for five years. And I spent that time trying to improve myself mentally. And you know what- I did, I got better. I got so much better in fact, that in January of... 2020, I thought "you know what I should... start performing again. I've been hiding from the world and I need to reenter." And then... the funniest thing happened...

This next song is about how sad I am. It's about all the sad stuff; just picture a depressed onion cutting itself.

If every day you play the board game Risk
You've probably never taken a risk
In your life / And Monopoly has far
From a stranglehold on the board game market
A little kid died from suffocation
When he choked on a game piece from Operation

Love is... your favorite food for every breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and
Love is... the Holocaust, except you don't die quick and you don't get thinner, and
Love is... bein' the owner of the company that makes rape whistles, and
Even though you started the company with good intentions, trying to reduce the rate of rape,
Now you don't want to reduce it at all, 'cause if the rape rate declines, you'll see an equal decline in whistle sales