Karl Pilkington

At no point am I going to lick a little frogs head.

This isn't Amazon where you can go "I'm not happy with the product" and pop it back in the post. Thats it, you've got it

I was still using my eyes even though I had them shut

Well...like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again...

On identical twins - You always get a little snidey one.

No it's one of them things though, imagine it.. if you're that caretaker and you're thinkin I've got away with this then suddenly a plant grasses you up.. you weren't expectin that.

I was at some night once, right. It was some night out and er, some people come running on stage. And some music started coming on. These four people came running out, it was two women, two blokes. It wasn't gay an' that. It was just a normal night -well, y'know, some party night out. These people come running on. You've got two women, you've got two blokes. They whip their knickers off. The fellas whip their undies off. All at the same time, like er, whatsit? Cheryl Baker was in it... Bucks Fizz. So that happened and all I'm saying is, right; before I had a look at the woman's bits, I just had a cheeky glance at the fellas' bits, just checkin' it out, checking everything's normal down there. Believe me, I had a look at the ladies' bits but I didn't know how long that pants were going to left off for.

Do you know like, when you're a bloke nudist, Do you ever get any who just have like a small knob?

On Steve's dancing ability- er, it's just like a bit of weird art

The world is getting more and more scruffier, innit?

Language is a powerful thing init...er...

It serves a purpose.

On octopuses - When you see 'em in films, they're running about an' that and everyone likes an octopus.

You know that guy Richard Blackwood? He went in for a colonic, live TV. Never seen again.

It’s just hassle of having friends and family an’ that.