Kathy Griffin Quotes

And then she (Brooke Sheilds) says the ill-fated words "You have to put this in your act". And I said "What, I would never"! Because it's a private time!!

I guess the contortionists are cool right, very impressive, they're doing stuff we can't do. But for me, once you see the gay guy bend over and fuck himself, I'm done!

I don't know about you, but I fucked a midget. I have secrets.

I know I'm going to Hell. And I think I might see a few of you there. When I get there, it'll be like (waving) "Hi", "Hi", "Oh my God....Hi!"

I said "boy, I'd love to get a tour of this house cause it's so beautiful". So she hooks my arm, and she walks by. And then the grooms mother, trying to help me out says "Can I help you ladies with anything?" And then Brooke's Mom; and this is why I love her, without missing a beat, says to the groom's mother - "Shut up, you fucking cunt"!! It was a fucking dream come true!

I am going after everybody. I'm going after Paltrow. Fuck her. Fuck her!

I'm not wearing any pants and the lesbians are waiting!

4th booster f**kers. Oh, and CVS gave us EIGHT free Covid tests for getting boosted!

Isn't Scientology one of those things where you really like someone and once you hear they're a Scientologist, you're like "I'm out"?

Everytime she walks out (on stage), she acts like she's shocked anyone showed up! Every night! As if every single day, at about 3 o'clock, she's like, "You know Rene, maybe tonight iz ze night zey do not come?"

Nothing gets me more nervous than white people who talk black.......I mean, it's fun on "Ricki Lake", but in real life......

As someone who was raised Catholic, and went to St Bernadine's; don't pull your Catholic kid-fucker bullshit with me, motherfuckers! I'm not scared of you. And I'm not havin it!

Have you guys noticed that Madonna is British now? OK, let's talk about her lineage for a minute. Raised in Michigan, moved to New York, is British. She started turning British like at the Golden Globes and she was doing the interviews and she says "telly" instead of "television" and she uses the word "actually" way too much and then she's also sorta bringing her voice down to a register around here (brings her voice down) and she's being interviewed for the Golden Globes and she's got whole, you know, crazy hair that everybody hated and everybody has and they were saying, "Well, Madonna, we're so glad to have you at the Golden Globes." (speaks in Madonna British accent) "Well, actually, it is more fun to come here than watch it on the telly". You know. Look, I'm from the midwest- its a TV.

I would rather blow a guy in the bathroom at White Castle in between sliders...because I'm romantic!

The first red flag? The crooked wig! That's how you know what level of awareness Whitney is at. Cause let me tell - you know her gay was straightening that wig to the bitter end. Making sure the part was in the right place. But you know what - when the (crack) pipe is shaking? It's hard to keep it on, when the pipe is all shaking.