Lily Tomlin

Your problem is your role models were models.

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

Wouldn't it be great if we all grew up to be what we wanted to be? The world would be full of nurses, firemen, and ballerinas.

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

I have always felt that humor was a wonderful vehicle to let us become connected with each other and ourselves… I try to portray the similarities and polarities in men and women, so that we can acknowledge and embrace our collective consciousness.

I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it's much too confining.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

And that's the truth!

To me, 'sexual freedom' means freedom from having to have sex.

Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that's the truth.

If you can't be direct, why be?

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then — we elected them.

For fast acting relief, try slowing down.

So if you've had a good time tonight, or if you've had a good time any night, for gosh sake's why not drop a dollar in the mail to me?