Mel Brooks

call m-m-me.” Then there was a long pause and he said, “If n-n-nobody answers…” another pause, “…it’s m-me!

President Skroob: What the hell, it works on Star Trek!

Little John: Let's face it — you've got to be a man to wear tights!

Sheriff Bart: Where the white women at?

Dr. Frankenstein:: Igor, would you give me a hand with the bags?
Igor:: [doing a Groucho Marx] Certainly, you take the blonde and I'll take the one in the turban.

I didn’t realize it but I might have created the first cell phone. Had I patented it, I probably would have made so much money that I wouldn’t have had to write this book.

Igor: My grandfather used to work for your grandfather. Of course the rates have gone up.

Count de Monet: [consistently mispronounced as "count da money"] Bearnaise?
Bernaise: Yes?
Count de Monet: Do we have any of those delicious raisins left?
Bearnaise: You ate yours. These are mine.
Count de Monet: Au contraire, they are mine! I paid for them! Hand them over!
Bearnaise: [gives the bag of raisins to the Count, sotto voce, mimicking] 'Au contraire, I paid for them! They're mine!' [blows a raspberry]
Count de Monet: Don't be saucy with me, Bearnaise!
Bernaise: [mouths] Bitch.

Mary Shelley, who at only nineteen years of age conceived her immortal Gothic novel, Frankenstein. Needless to say, Gene Wilder and I will always be in her debt.

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

Failure is vital. It is an incredibly important quotient in the equation of a career. After you wipe away your tears, it’s not a bad experience and under the right circumstances it will make you better, both as a person and as an artist. I think it’s important to fail, especially between the ages of twenty and thirty. Success is like sugar. It’s too good. It’s too sweet. It’s too wonderful and it burns up very quickly. Failure is like corned beef hash. It takes a while to eat.

My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

A lot of people don’t realize that without a valley, there is no peak. Without information, there is no joke. You’ve got to set things up.

Lead Tenor Stormtrooper: Springtime, for Hitler, and Germany Winter, for Poland and France!

As long as the world keeps spinning, people are going to be dizzy and confused.