Robin Williams

I'd like to welcome you the AOPA. There's also aa-AOPA. If this is your first time flying a plane on alcohol, I'd like to welcome ya!

I was on this German talk show and this woman said to me, she said, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there's not so much comedy in Germany?" I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" [laughter and applause] And...it was...and here's where it got interesting. She didn't bat an eyelash. She just went "No". At that point, even God's going, "Do you get it?!" German comedy: "Knock-knock--We ask the questions!".

Parry is a man with a previous life that was so damaged that he had to create another personality. … It's like post-traumatic stress syndrome: Some people respond to traumatic or tragic events by withdrawal; some even create other personalities. Parry is a creation — somewhat Don Quixote, somewhat Groucho Marx — but he's a creation designed to avoid a past event.

[Describing the drinking habits of different ethnic groups, in an Irish accent] You know if you're Irish, you've got a running start that you can do it better than we are. You know that because if you're Irish, you know, you'll kick my ass but then you'll fuckin' sing about it afterwards. [sings, dances a jig] "Oh, that night you said my wife was fat, I knocked you down and shit in your hat!" And then you keep drinking 'til you're in your eighties and you're on a dialysis machine, doing Liverdance and Michael Flatline! Beeeeeep! And they say the Irish saved civilization, drank a couple of Guinness and forgot where they fuckin' put it, but that's all right. [shifting to Japanese accent] Here's the drill, and the Japanese? They drink differently than us. It is a different thing where you can be very polite during the day, and all of a sudden you're "arigatou gozaimasu." And after five Jack Daniels..."TIE A YELLOW RIBBON! Hey, fucker! Karaoke for asshole with a microphone! Sing, you round-eyed fuck, come on!" [shifting to Scottish accent] And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman - 'cause you can't fuckin' understand them before!

Thank you. How-DY! Whoops, wrong opera house. How do you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!

Nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here! Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.

I would like to do Shakespeare's only unknown piece, That's the Way I Lick It ... It's a bleak night my Lord. Look! The moon like a testicle hangs low in the sky. This bodes not well. ... Anon, post-haste, let's get a larger crowd in here. Free Cocaine! There's no luck. Does anyone have drugs to ease my pain? My Kingdom for a Quaalude! … It is the end! I must go, for I cannot come here, and yet, it has been brief, 'tis over, and the lights do turn bright. <small>I'm melting! Help me! Help me! </small>

If you smoke a lot of pot, you may never become a rocket scientist. Or maybe, if you've seen some of the things that have happened recently with NASA, maybe you can. [imitates a person stoned on marijuana] "Okay, oh, okay, okay, here's a fun one, oh, fuck, okay. Okay, the Mars lander, okay? Fuck. I did the calculations in feet, but I programmed the lander in meters! Oops! So instead of landing, fucker buried! Hundred-and-eighty-five-million dollar whoopsie! Two years, splat! Oh, okay, fuck, here's a better one. The Hubble telescope. I forgot to put in a lens!" [covers one eye as if undergoing an eye exam] "'Read the top line.' 'Alpha Centauri...uh, Sirius...the rest is just a black hole.'"

[About pre-9/11 and post-9/11 airport security] Airport security, remember before all this happened, was like, BEEP, 'Okay, get on the plane. Come on, get on the plane. Hold on one moment. What's that? Oh, that's a gun. Okay, get on the plane!' You could carry a four-inch blade on a plane. That's about that long. What are you doing, West Side Story in the aisle? "Going down the aisle! Crazy aisle!" Now, you can't even carry a nail-clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're gonna go "ALL RIGHT! Gimme the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle! I have a nail file! I can be irritating!"

[spoofing Mister Rogers] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... oh, damn, someone stole my sneakers. Let's do some wonderful things today, boys and girls; but first, do you mind if I take some more medication? It helps the day go a little bit slower. There we go. Now we're gonna do some wonderful experiments you can do around the house. Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave, okay?... He knows where he's going. BEEP! Pop goes the weasel! That's severe radiation. Can you say "severe radiation"? Oh, look, you got a little balloon now.

(On creating) And you get that little endorphin buzz, it's great. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? I don't think he was going "You know this is some dynamite weed! It's all relative you know."

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer: You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.

[Comparing Ronald Reagan's Cabinet to Star Wars] There's Henry Kissinger as Yoda, "Must now cannot see understanding that I be here for you. I will show you now, Nicaragua, Cambodia, Nicaragua, Cambodia, shhh. Must later understand!"

Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table is ready."