Robin Williams Quotes

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

I do know this one thing. I know there is a cure for whatever bioterrorism that they send at us. I know there's one. And it lies within Keith Richards, I know that. He is the only man on the planet who can go [pantomimes snorting a line of powder] "Anthrax? All riiiiight. Hey. Doesn't go with my E. coli, but fuck." Keith is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish. He's insane! I've seen Keith go to a drug dealer and the drug dealer's going, "I'm out, man, I'm sorry. I have nothing left!" Supposedly, he goes to Switzerland and changes his blood, not like one pint, but like a fucking Chevrolet, all of it. I just wanna know, who gets his blood? Some old Swiss man's going "HEIDI! We've gotta go on tour, you bitch! We've gotta pay for Mick's babies! C'mon!" Because I know this: I know that we may all be dead and gone. Keith will still be there with five cockroaches. Keith'll go "You know I smoked your uncle, did you know that? Fucking crazy..."

(Imitating Royal Family) I've tell you we've not been inbred but don't look at the ears. That's all we can do is screw in a light bulb. Look at the teeth, look at the ears and go, something's gone wrong. Gene pool is a jacuzzi back up."

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...

[Describing the drinking habits of different ethnic groups, in an Irish accent] You know if you're Irish, you've got a running start that you can do it better than we are. You know that because if you're Irish, you know, you'll kick my ass but then you'll fuckin' sing about it afterwards. [sings, dances a jig] "Oh, that night you said my wife was fat, I knocked you down and shit in your hat!" And then you keep drinking 'til you're in your eighties and you're on a dialysis machine, doing Liverdance and Michael Flatline! Beeeeeep! And they say the Irish saved civilization, drank a couple of Guinness and forgot where they fuckin' put it, but that's all right. [shifting to Japanese accent] Here's the drill, and the Japanese? They drink differently than us. It is a different thing where you can be very polite during the day, and all of a sudden you're "arigatou gozaimasu." And after five Jack Daniels..."TIE A YELLOW RIBBON! Hey, fucker! Karaoke for asshole with a microphone! Sing, you round-eyed fuck, come on!" [shifting to Scottish accent] And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman - 'cause you can't fuckin' understand them before!

I'd like to welcome you the AOPA. There's also aa-AOPA. If this is your first time flying a plane on alcohol, I'd like to welcome ya!

And you realize how drunk (Scotsmen) get; they could wear a skirt and not care! And how they could invent a sport like golf! [Imitating a drunk Scotsman] "Here's my idea for a fuckin' sport. I knock a ball in a gopher hole!" Oh, you mean like pool? "Fuck off pool! Not with a straight stick, with a little fucked-up stick! I whack a ball, it goes in a gopher hole!" Oh, you mean like croquet? "FUCK CROQUET! I'll put the hole hundreds of yards away! Oh, fuck, oh yeah! It's great fun, there! Oh, yeah, it's a great thing!" Oh, like a bowling thing? "FUCK NO! Not straight, I put shit in the way! Like trees and bushes and high grass! So you can lose your fuckin' ball and go whackin' away with a fuckin' tire iron! Whackin' away and each time you miss, you feel like you're gonna have a stroke, ah ha! Fuck, that's what we'll call it, a 'stroke'! 'Cause every time you miss, you feel like you're gonna fuckin' die! Oh, great! Oh, and here's the better part, oh, fuck, this is brilliant. Right near the end, I'll put a flat piece, with a little flag to give you fuckin' hope. But then I'll put a pool and a sandbox to fuck with your ball again! Ah, you'll be there trashin' your ass, jerkin' away in the sand, ah ha!" Oh, and you do this one time? "FUCK NO! EIGHTEEN FUCKIN' TIMES!"

And people say to me, they say Jesus wasn't Jewish. I say of course he was Jewish. Thirty years old, single, living at home with his parents? Come on! Working in his father's business, his mother thought he was God's gift? He's Jewish! Give it up! It's an old tradition!

Dubya doesn't speak while Cheney's drinking water. Check that shit out.

Because now, when you go through airport security, it's tight. You go through the metal detector, and if you're heavily pierced, like some of my friends, it's like, (steps forward) "BZZT!" "Take out your keys, sir." Tip of the iceberg. (pantomimes removing various piercings from the ears, nostrils eyebrows, tongue; then reaches to the side, grabs an imaginary drill, points it at his crotch and makes a drilling noise) For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. And I'm sure that was his last wish. I'm sure Albert said "Victoria, I'm dying. I want you to name a museum, a performance hall, and a bolt through the cock after me. That will be Victoria's Secret. Go, my darling!"

Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table is ready."

And I know many of you are looking for Sarah Palin's new book, it is a bitch to find. Good luck. I found it somewhere between fiction and nonfiction, in the fantasy aisle.

I would like to do Shakespeare's only unknown piece, That's the Way I Lick It ... It's a bleak night my Lord. Look! The moon like a testicle hangs low in the sky. This bodes not well. ... Anon, post-haste, let's get a larger crowd in here. Free Cocaine! There's no luck. Does anyone have drugs to ease my pain? My Kingdom for a Quaalude! … It is the end! I must go, for I cannot come here, and yet, it has been brief, 'tis over, and the lights do turn bright. <small>I'm melting! Help me! Help me! </small>

(Imitating Pavarotti) "It is amazing I know it is huge. BEHOLD IT. IT IS GROWING. ALL OF MY PHALLUS IS A SHOWING!"

[Comparing Ronald Reagan's Cabinet to Star Wars] There's Henry Kissinger as Yoda, "Must now cannot see understanding that I be here for you. I will show you now, Nicaragua, Cambodia, Nicaragua, Cambodia, shhh. Must later understand!"