Ron White Quotes

The DeBeers people are almost saying what they really mean. You remember the old DeBeers slogan, "Diamonds are forever." Then they changed it to "This year, take her breath away." The new slogan is "Diamonds. Render her speechless." Why don't they just come out and say it: "Diamonds. That'll shut her up... for a minute."

I got 2 Scottish terriers, because if you drink enough Johnny Walker products, eventually they'll just send you the dogs. And we got another 200 head of Scotties on a little ranch in Wyoming. We got little monkey cowboys in hats and vests, riding Shetland ponies, with little toy guns...one of them's the sheriff. Cutest thing you ever saw. No, but I do have 2 little Scottish terriers and their names are Birdy and Bogey, and someone said to me, "Oh, that's cute, they're named after your golf game." I said, "No, if they were named after MY golf game, they'd be called Double Bogey and Where The Fuck Is That Ball Going?, which is kind of a long name for a pet.

Actually you can get caught having sex with your wife. My wife and I were going at it one time one afternoon and the housekeeper walked in. Which is way better than the other way around. It happens the other way and you end up saying things like, "I'll pack my shit...when it stops burning!"

You ever see tape of the Kehoe brothers from Ohio, those two guys that get out of that white Suburban, it's been on Cops a few times? Those guys, folks, have a shootout with the police, at point...blank...range—nobody gets hurt. I would love to have been at that office the next day when that guy's being interviewed by the police. "And then what happened?" "Well, at that point, I unloaded my semi-automatic 9 millimeter weapon at point blank range." "And then what happened?" "They...left." Nice shooting, Elmer Fudd. There was a kid in Detroit a few years ago, shot 8 bullets, hit 9 people. These cops fired 22 shots, didn't even hit the fuckin' Suburban!

I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye, everybody, I gotta go." Six bouncers hurled my ass out of a nightclub like I was a Frisbee. Those big ol' New York bouncers who thinks bouncing's a cool job. They just talk about bouncing. They get together with other bouncers and talk about bouncing. They go home and watch Roadhouse and beat off. [mentally deficient voice] "Patrick Swayze's hittin' another guy! [laughs stupidly]" for wearing a hat. I walk in a bar with a hat on; this guy, real pissy, goes "Take off the hat!" [proceeds to mock-flex, looking much like a gorilla] I'm like, "What's the deal?" "I'll tell you what the deal is- faggots in this area wear hats and we're trying to keep 'em out of our club." I was like, "Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have a haircut like...yours." And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. You ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat back on, now, I'm between 6'1" and 6'6", depending on which convenience store I'm leaving, and I weigh about 235 lbs, and this guy is pokin' me on the shoulder with two fingers. He said, "That's it, you're outta here!" I said, "I don't think so, Scooter." And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that night club, and then they decided to square off with me in the parking lot. But I backed down 'cause I didn't know how many of them it was going to take to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy piece of information to have, right there; overkill.

Have you ever seen a healthy-looking vegetarian? They look like shit! They're all gaunt and yellow. After a while, their bodies become intolerant of other things. I'll give you an example: I was out to lunch with a comedian friend of mine, and later in the day he said, and I quote: "I feel nauseous and I have a headache. That soup I had must have had beef broth in it." Your system's kickin' back broth? You're a manly man, aren't you?

They processed me through county jail. Now, for whatever reason, I had a bunch of cash on me. I'd been on the road for a while. And now they gotta count it in front of me, and this guy comes over and he goes. [redneck accent] "Hey, man, I'm gonna have to count that money and you're gonna have to watch". And I'm like [sarcastic] "Fuck, not you." This money is in banded $5,000 stacks and this guy picks one of them up and goes [slowly flipping each bill] "One Mississippi. Two--". He didn't really say Mississippi but he fuckin' could have. "Two Mississippi..." and I go, "You can't do it that way. It'll take forever. Just take the band off and start counting. One-two-three-four-five. When you get to 50, that's 5,000 and just start the next stack." And he goes, "That's a good idea". That's what he said. So he counts the second stack and he goes "Hey, buddy, wait a minute! Wait a minute! There's only 42 in this one." I said, "Oh, that's okay. Just get 8 more outta this one, put it in this one. Now you have two stacks of 50. That's $10,000." I'M TEACHING THIS MOTHER FUCKER HOW TO COUNT!

When my wife told me that she was anal, I thought, "Great." Turns out, there are two different kinds of "anal"...And she's the wrong one.

I'm sweating scotch out of every pore in my body.

One time, my wife said to me, [imitating his wife] "Honey, the dryer is broken." [as himself] Did you check the lint trap? [imitating his wife with a clueless face] Sit down, honey, I'll check it. [as his wife] "Was there anything in there?" [as himself] There's a quilt in there. Look! You made a sofa cushion.

My favorite place to have sex is on my tour bus, because if I can't quite have the wind to get her there, I can holler at that driver, "Pump the brakes!" [makes a sound like hitting the air brakes - chhh...chhh...chhh...] Faster! [chh! chh! chh! chh!] Thanks, Pat! Boy that Pat can fuck, can't he?

Let me tell you what I'm looking for in a fuckin' tree. I'm looking for a tree that you can tell is alive even if you don't know shit about trees.

The next time you have a thought...let it go.

He hooks me up to the gas and I don't feel anything. I'm like "Dude, you need to turn this gas up. He goes, "There are regulations in the State of Nevada stating which, Code One, Section Four..." I'm like, Fuck! And I asked him, I said, "Where did you go to college?" He goes, "Brigham Young." Fuck, dude, turn it up to Catholic. Never let a Mormon set your buzz level. Never. Don't do it. And I'll tell you why. They don't understand "Fucked Up" the way you and I do. They don't. They're guessin', and they're shitty guessers. (4:32)

I decided last week that there are too many support groups in this country; you need to pick your own self up and go, you know? I saw this commercial last week, it was for a bladder control awareness group. I'm like, let me explain something to you: if you have a bladder control problem, you're probably aware of it. Or you're in some weird-ass denial I've never even heard of, you know? "Bob, I got a moisture problem in this area, and I don't know if it's condensation due to high humidity, or if I'm pissin' myself."