Russell Brand Quotes

When asked what he puts on his hair: "Mostly orphans' tears, old clock parts, lizard's tails, spit, the concept of freedom; all up there, all shooshed up right nice and tight, like a bonfire that's never actually burned... it mutters follicular oddities into my mind."

Could you imagine a wand that was not camp? Could you imagine, for example, Ray Winstone, with a wand? (Impersonating him) 'RIGHT OK. IT'S A KIND OF MAGIC, SIT DOWN.'

If that's a euphemism - an egg and spoon race, - I'm probably gold medal class.

In an infinite universe; eternal time, why just do what people tell you? 'ave a laugh; do what you want.

If you're going to use 'theatrical' and 'bent' in such close proximity, you're going to give people the wrong impression.

so when I was staying with him, he went 'alright, okay, so what time do you go to bed then?' and I thought 'fucking hell! he doesn't know what he's doing!! SHIIIIIIT!!' I went 'oooh, about, 10 oclock?', 'ah yeah, alright then'. YEEEES!! it's like the same feeling that as an adult I would get walking through customs with heroin in my bottom. 'I'm getting away with iiiiit!

You'd think, if you was me, you would think this and I am me, so I'm in a perfect position to offer conclusive evidence on that... innit like when you go away on holiday, you think 'oh yeah, I'd better go away on holiday, cheer myself up, get away from it all" but when you go on holiday, you're there, so it's shit!

So by being offended you've sorta acknowledged that you are thick, and none of us are, so we're all back on speaking terms!

Should we stick with the Goth Detectives from when we won last year? Where's our trophy?

[Piers Morgan:] Are you a more successful sexual predator now that you don't drink?
[Brand:] Yes, but I resent the word "predator". I like to think of myself as a conduit of natural forces. After all, the most natural thing in the world for people to do is f*, isn't it? And people want to do it, so all you have to do is remove all the reasons why women don't actually go through with it, like pride and reputation.
You just have to unpick the conditions stopping women going straight to bed with you.

(after Noel Fielding has written "peep scarf" to describe a piece of muslim apparel) That's its proper name!

The whole thing stinks, Carr!

October... Is that when there's conkers?

Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!

Blimey! Thank God my jeans are this tight- you could wear me like a puppet!