Sarah Silverman Quotes

I buy water at the liquor store across the street from where I live. So I'm walking into the door, and standing, loitering, outside the door is a man. And I walk by him to go in, and he says, [in a gruff male voice] "I want pussy!" Now, I don't want to seem conceited or anything, but [flattered smile] he was talking about me!

You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? — It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not "born again Christian" … oh! — "pathological liar."

I saw my father's penis once. But it was okay, because I was so young … and so drunk.

Also, I learned whether you are gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know … because, at the end of the day, they're both gross. But mostly, I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years … but younger black women are prostitutes.

I'll take this opportunity to answer one of the most repeated questions: why didn't I choose to depict Mohammed having sex? The answer is simple. I don't want to get blown up with explosives. I'm afraid of angering Muslims, but not afraid of angering Jews and Christians. So I chose to depict the Judeo-Christian God instead. It seems extremely obvious to me, but so many people asked.

I don't care. Good! I hope the Jews did kill Christ. I'd do it again! I'd fucking do it again in a second.

Hey, is it considered molestation if the child makes the first move? I'm gonna need a quick answer on this.

I wear this Saint Christopher medal sometimes, because – I'm Jewish, but my boyfriend is Catholic. It was cute, the way he gave it to me. He said if it doesn't burn through my skin, it will protect me. Who cares? Different religions.

If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

When that Jesus movie came out, Jews didn't want people to see it. Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it up on the Romans. I am one of the few people that believe it was the blacks!

When God gives you AIDS – and God does give you AIDS – make lemon-AIDS!

The only time it's an issue, I suppose, would be like if you're having a baby and you've got to figure out how you want to raise it. Which still wouldn't be an issue for us, because we'd be … honest, and just say, you know, like, "Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is magic!"

The writers of Sanford and Son were so brave in bringing their program to television. I mean, working with all those black people!

Once I was with two men in one night. But I could never do it again—I could hardly walk afterward. Two dinners? That's a lot of food.

I was raped by a doctor … which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.