Top 15 Sarah Silverman Quotes

I Hope The Jews Did Kill Christ. I’d Fucking Do It Again in a Second.

I'll take this opportunity to answer one of the most repeated questions: why didn't I choose to depict Mohammed having sex? The answer is simple. I don't want to get blown up with explosives. I'm afraid of angering Muslims, but not afraid of angering Jews and Christians. So I chose to depict the Judeo-Christian God instead. It seems extremely obvious to me, but so many people asked.

I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.

If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

[holds up an egg] This is AIDS. AIDS is as real as an egg.

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

Also, I learned whether you are gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know … because, at the end of the day, they're both gross. But mostly, I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years … but younger black women are prostitutes.

I love you more than bears love honey, I love you more than Jews love money, I love you more than Asians are good at math. I love you even if it's not hip, I love you more than black guys don't tip, I love you like Puerto Ricans need baths.

When God gives you AIDS – and God does give you AIDS – make lemon-AIDS!

On the law that requires women to wait twenty-four hours before they are permitted to have an abortion: I think it's a good law. The other day I wanted to go get an abortion. I really wanted an abortion, but then I thought about it and it turned out I was just thirsty.

I want to get an abortion. But my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving.

A couple nights ago, I was licking jelly off my boyfriend's penis. And I thought, "Oh my God – I'm turning into my mother!"

I saw my father's penis once. But it was okay, because I was so young … and so drunk.

I was raped by a doctor … which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

I've sued my manager for sexual harassment. And it's real hard, and a big strain on me. Because he hasn't done anything.