Sarah Silverman Quotes

If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

I was raped by a doctor … which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

Wow! She is amazing. She is 25 years old and she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish in her life. It's mind blowing … have you seen Britney's kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of!

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

I don't care. Good! I hope the Jews did kill Christ. I'd do it again! I'd fucking do it again in a second.

A couple nights ago, I was licking jelly off my boyfriend's penis. And I thought, "Oh my God – I'm turning into my mother!"

I'll take this opportunity to answer one of the most repeated questions: why didn't I choose to depict Mohammed having sex? The answer is simple. I don't want to get blown up with explosives. I'm afraid of angering Muslims, but not afraid of angering Jews and Christians. So I chose to depict the Judeo-Christian God instead. It seems extremely obvious to me, but so many people asked.

Once I was with two men in one night. But I could never do it again—I could hardly walk afterward. Two dinners? That's a lot of food.

The only time it's an issue, I suppose, would be like if you're having a baby and you've got to figure out how you want to raise it. Which still wouldn't be an issue for us, because we'd be … honest, and just say, you know, like, "Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is magic!"

You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? — It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not "born again Christian" … oh! — "pathological liar."

I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way". I always think I should get on it if I want to have kids. Because once you hit thirty it can be difficult to conceive — it can be dangerous. The best time to conceive is when you're a black teenager.

The writers of Sanford and Son were so brave in bringing their program to television. I mean, working with all those black people!

I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.

I buy water at the liquor store across the street from where I live. So I'm walking into the door, and standing, loitering, outside the door is a man. And I walk by him to go in, and he says, [in a gruff male voice] "I want pussy!" Now, I don't want to seem conceited or anything, but [flattered smile] he was talking about me!

Jesus is magic, you know, because he turned water to wine, and, um … he, um … I think he made the Statue of Liberty disappear in the 80's.