Stephen Colbert Quotes

American comedian and writer (born 1964)

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Stephen Tyrone Colbert (born 13 May 1964) is an American satirist, comedian, writer, actor, and television host most famous for his work on The Daily Show, The Colbert Report from 2005 to 2014 where he portrays a parody of conservative media pundits, and The Late Show with Stephen Colbert since 2015. He graduated from Northwestern University in 1986, and appeared in the films Nobody Knows Anything! (2003), Snow Days (1999), and Shock Asylum (1997). In 1995, Colbert made his TV debut on Comedy Central in Exit 57 and was later on the show Strangers with Candy. Colbert did voice work for "The Ambiguously Gay Duo" on Saturday Night Live as the voice of Ace, and also provided the voices of "Myron Reducto", "Phil Ken Sebben", and "The Eagle Of Truth" on Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law.

From: Wikiquote (CC BY-SA 4.0)

Birth Name: Stephen Tyrone Colbert

Alternative Names: Stephen T. Colbert

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I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart...

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

"You can't spell "parentry" without "try." Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out."

If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.

The other stunner that came out of the committee hearings was what the committee called the "big ripoff". The former president raised a quarter of a billion dollars off the big-lie, for a so-called "election defense fund", that investigators say, never existed... and this time we promise NO FRAUD.

At every moment, we are volunteers.

If there's a better book than this, I haven't written it.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'.

Don't let your girlfriend cut your hair!

If we should serve others — and together serve some common goal or idea for any one of you — what is that idea and who are those people? In my experience, you will truly serve only what you love because service is love made visible. If you love your friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money and, if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself and you will have only yourself. So no winning. Instead, try to love others and serve others and hopefully find others that love and serve you in return.

You said the war would pay for itself in fruit baskets. You said that our soldiers would march in the streets of Havana and people would shower them with bananas and cigars. That didn’t happen. Would you like to look into the camera and apologize to the American people?

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

I report, I decide.

The next sentence is false.
The previous sentence is true.

I'll wait while your heads explode.

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.