Steve Martin Quotes

I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening — or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning … But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that.

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. — I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch. [Audience member]: What's your mood watch say? Martin: Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.

Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! [audience repeats] I promise to be unique! [audience repeats] I promise not to repeat things other people say! [audience repeats, laughs] Good!

You know, a lot of people come to me and they say: "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.

People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director."

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it — The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman — it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.

Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?

A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.

All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: "Dead men don't wear plaid." Hmm... Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means.

The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need. My name in print. That really makes somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now!

confidently motivated by poor judgment, I dropped in one-quarter of a Quaalude.

A luxury item is a thing you have that annoys other people that you have it.

Defendant running for exit. Not to escape, but out of disgust. Judge wearing NOTHING under his robes.