Ruth Rudner Quotes

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married adn I didn't want him to.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

The airline oxygen masks don't really help you. They're just there to muffle the screams.

I don't panic when I get lost. I just change where I want to go.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire?