I want to die, even though I don't have to.

I thought, “I want to die. I want to die more than ever before. There’s no chance now of a recovery. No matter what sort of thing I do, no matter what I do, it’s sure to be a failure, just a final coating applied to my shame. That dream of going on bicycles to see a waterfall framed in summer leaves—it was not for the likes of me. All that can happen now is that one foul, humiliating sin will be piled on another, and my sufferings will become only the more acute. I want to die. I must die. Living itself is the source of sin."

When I die? Fuck it, I wanna go to hell, 'cause I'm a piece of shit. It ain't hard to fuckin' tell.

for a moment I felt an intense desire to pass out and escape my life

I want to die violently instead of fading out sentimentally.

There are some days when I think I'm going to die from an overdose of satisfaction.

I said to myself, 'I want to die decently'.

In spite of my suffering, at the thought that I was sure to end up by killing myself, I cried aloud and burst into tears.

I found myself desperately bored with life, with a very strong desire to kill myself, and had an intimation of something bad, which frightened me at the very moment that I wanted to die, and placed me immediately in a state of apprehension and anxiety. I have never felt so strongly the absolute conflict of the elements that form the present human condition, forced to fear for its life and to seek at all costs to preserve it, just then when it was most burdensome, and when it could resolve to be ended by its own will (but by no other cause).

Je voudrais mourir à présent, vite, avant d'avoir compris de nouveau que je suis seule.

Wanting to Die

Since you ask, most days I cannot remember.
I walk in my clothing, unmarked by that voyage.
Then the almost unnameable lust returns.

Even then I have nothing against life.
I know well the grass blades you mention,
the furniture you have placed under the sun.

But suicides have a special language.
Like carpenters they want to know which tools.
They never ask why build.

Twice I have so simply declared myself,
have possessed the enemy, eaten the enemy,
have taken on his craft, his magic.

In this way, heavy and thoughtful,
warmer than oil or water,
I have rested, drooling at the mouth-hole.

I did not think of my body at needle point.
Even the cornea and the leftover urine were gone.
Suicides have already betrayed the body.

Still-born, they don't always die,
but dazzled, they can't forget a drug so sweet
that even children would look on and smile.

To thrust all that life under your tongue! — that, all by itself, becomes a passion.
Death's a sad Bone; bruised, you'd say,

and yet she waits for me, year after year,
to so delicately undo an old wound,
to empty my breath from its bad prison.

Balanced there, suicides sometimes meet,
raging at the fruit, a pumped-up moon,
leaving the bread they mistook for a kiss,

leaving the page of the book carelessly open,
something unsaid, the phone off the hook
and the love, whatever it was, an infection.

I just want to serve and help people and be good to everybody, only it always goes wrong somehow — I think about suicide all the time, every bloody day I want to die and stop this torture, but I go crawling on . . . I'm so Christ-awful bloody lonely I could scream with it for hours on end.

أريـد أن أمـوت

بما أنكم تسألون، فلا أتذكّر معظم الأيام.
أسير في لباسي، لا أشعرُ بزخم الرّحيل.
حينها يعود ذاك الشّبق الذي لا يسمّى.

حتّى و إن لم يكن لدي شيءٌ ضد الحياة.
فأنا أعرف جيّدا شفير الأعشاب التي تذكرون,
ذاك الأثاث الذي وضعتم تحت حرقة الشمس.

غير أنّ الانتحارات لها لغتها الخاصّة.
تماماً مثل النجّار
يريد أن يعرف كيف يستخدم الأدوات،
لكنّه لم يسأل مطلقاً لماذا يبني!.

لمرّتين وببساطة أعلنتُ نَفْسي,
امتلكت العدُوْ, ابتلعت العُدو,
وعلى مَرْكبه أخذت معي سِحْره.

وفي هذه الطريق، مُثقلة و مُستغرقة
أدفأ من الزيت أو الماء,
أنا قد استرحت,
وسال من فوهة فمي لعاب.

لم أفكّر في جسدي عندَ وخزة الإبرة.
حتّى قرنيّتي وما بقي في من بَوْل، اختفى.
الانتحارات كانت قد خانت الجسَد مسبقاً.

اليافعون لا يموتون في العادة،
غير أنّهم يُبهرون, لا يستطيعون نسيان لذّة مُخدّر
حتّى أنّهم ينظرون للأطفال ويبتسمون.

أن تَسحَقَ كلّ تلك الحياة تحت لسانك!
ذلك بحد ذاته, يستحيلُ عاطفة.
ستقول، موت لعَظْمةٍ بائسةٍ ومُجرّحة.

ومع ذلك ستنتظرني هي عاماً بعد عام،
لأمحو هكذا برقّةٍ جُرْحاً قديماً،
لأفرّغ شهقتي من سجنها البائس.

نتّزن هنالك, الانتحارات تلتقي أحياناً,
نحتدّ عند فاكهة و قمر مفقوء,
تاركين كِسرةَ الخبز التي أخطأتها قبلاتهم.

تاركين
صفحةَ كتاب مفتوحة مُهْملة،
و سمّاعة هاتف معلّقَة
لشيء لم يُلفظ بعد,
أمّا الحُبْ، أيّاً يكُن
ليسَ إلاّ وبـاء.

Sex and love were driving the whole world and me crazyloco! I just couldn’t stand it anymore! I was going to have to kill myself.