Tonight’s erection is brought to you by the music of Phil Collins. If you’ll put on your gloves, I’ll go fetch it from the freezer. - Jarod Kintz

Combine a fog machine and a cotton candy maker to create delicious mystery. This is the heart of romance.

If you only had 48 hours left to live, would you spend it like you normally spend your weekends? If not, why spend 2/7th of your life wasting your free time? After all, free time isn’t free. Free time is the most expensive time you have, because nobody pays for it but you. But that also makes it the most valuable time you have, as you alone stand to reap the profits from spending it wisely.

It’s not really masturbating if you’re jacking your clone off. It’s more like politics.